What is the price for Happiness?
Following your heart is sometimes difficult, mainly when you get things around you that you have to think about, or when your rational part takes advantage and is warning on you.
But what is exactly happiness? How can we reach that level of satisfaction, that makes us smile and going around with that face all day?
Have you asked yourself, lately, what makes you happy? When are you happy? How long does your happiness last? Are you fighting for happiness, or you just let your life flow with the thoughts "that's life, I can't change it".
I personally think that, as we grow up, we get stuck in this thought too often, and this does not allow us to believe that something good is really possible, and most of all, we don't listen to our heart anymore: we work with our rationality side only, and we let go those emotions that should thrive us and push to be better.
We settle down. We live an average life, thinking that this is the best we can do.
We stop pursuing our dream because we keep postponing it.
We don't live the moment, we think about the consequences (which is actually a good thing, but we should not only think about the consequences of something that we haven't done at all).
And at the end of the day, do you feel happy?
I've spent almost the whole infamous 2020 in a sort of apathy, where if you'd ask me "what makes you happy"? I could almost not give you an answer anymore.
Yes, I am glad that I am healthy and so are my kids and loved ones, I am glad I can still pay my rent and provide food and basic needs to my family.
And I wish this can keep being always like this.
But I wasn't happy. I felt trapped in a life that went all on the other side of my expectations: I am doing this because I Have to. Because that's what society and all of the "normal" people think I should do.
I was living my life in stillness, counting hours till another day has gone, waiting for that moment when I can finally fell asleep and think about a "wonderful world that I can desire".
Doing my evening meditation, and hoping that something will change soon.
I've lost my job, lost clients on my private work, but mainly I've lost my inspiration: I have closed my Italian blog after 8 years, I've stopped writing.
I was waiting for something to happen in my life, I was petrified and not able to take any kind of action.
I was surviving.
And this behavior of course reflected towards my kids, ending up in a sort of unhealthy environment, where not even our meal routine was a routine, but everyone was eating anywhere at home, no rules, no schedules, no nothing.
I was blue.
But, I was doing what society was expecting from me: growing up my two kids alone (after 2 bad ended relationships), looking for a job, being conscious that this is a bad moment for everyone so all I can do is to wait and being helped by friends or professionals.
And all of a sudden something changed: something made me wake up, like a bell ringing.
I've decided to let that little part of unconsciousness take control over me, book that ticket to Kenya (where part of my family lives), and actively chasing my happiness.
Or better, doing what makes me happy, following my heart, living again.
Sometimes we have to stop all the noises around us, connect with our inner selves, that little voice inside my heart and follow what we would like to do.
I don't know the consequences of our actions, but what I believe is that we have one life and we should not live with regrets: keep some rationality, have a plan, but don't wait for happiness to come while you seat and observe, go and catch it.
I am happy with my choice. I feel better than before, and the idea of falling again into that dark loop is the only thing that really terrorizes me. Because when you reach that bottom, you know is not easy to come up again, and I don't ever want to end up there anymore.
So, what is really the price of happiness? Taking risks? Being criticized? Or fail?
All of it.
But as long as you keep on listening to what makes you happy, you will be.